For week of July 26-Aug. 1

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22):


Buying those golf clubs for your wife might have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you ever did or gum food for the rest of your life.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

Alarming developments this week mean that withholding sex will no longer be an effective means of retaliation for you.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22):

The harvest moon in Libra means change is coming. You’ll find out exactly what that means Sunday afternoon.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21):

You will be beaten to death in public for ridiculing Barry Manilow’s greatest hits collection.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21):

Pain and despair will enter your life next week in the form of twin daughters.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19):

Your popularity at parties will get a boost thanks to your ability to pick up radio stations with the new metal plate in your head.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18):

The stars indicate that you need to be more sensitive. Try spraying yourself with Mace.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20):

If the stars’ advice has failed to bring you unending wealth and happiness, it’s only because you suck at life.

ARIES (March 21-April 19):

Earth magicks are strong in Aries this week, indicating you should really start showering more often.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20):

You will be dismantled and sold for scrap this week when the government declares the Taurus Project a total failure.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20):

Congress will next week approve the creation of a 51st state — Douchebaggia — specifically for you.

CANCER (June 21-July 22):

— Madam Sarah, GO TeamDon’t let the lazy days of summer keep you from completing your last will and testament by 4:49 p.m. Monday.