I’m here to show you how to get tank-top arms, a bikini belly and a boy-shorts bottom.

I’m here to show you how to get tank-top arms, a bikini belly and a boy-shorts bottom.

You can probably guess how few times a guy can write that at the start of a column and get away with it.

Those body parts are included in the title of a tape listed in Collage Video’s “Guide to Exercise Videos” catalog sent to me recently. I’m a little worried why it was sent to me.

Getting a catalog for exercise videos in the mail is like opening your mailbox in the old days of Right Guard advertising and finding a container of deodorant in brown paper wrapping. It makes you wonder about the sender’s message.

Choice of workouts

“With this handy tool, you can decide what kind of video you want based on: workout type, level, length and style,” said a release included with the 60-page catalog. “In addition to the basic information, we give you: objective descriptions, multicolor time graphs and tell you the equipment needed for every program.”

Someone wanting to work out, for example, can choose between the frenetic “Michelle’s Rockin’ Body Cardio Jam,” or the more mellow “Leslie’s Walk the Walk Christian Cardio,” or the tough-sounding “Jillian Michaels’ Cardio Kickbox,” or the moderately aerobic “Dancing with the Stars Cardio Dance.”

Personally, I think I’m in the right shape for “Richard Simmons’ Party Off the Pounds,” a basic, beginner level workout aimed at guys who aren’t sophisticated enough for “Christi Taylor’s Totally Cool Step” and aren’t tough enough for “Cathe Friedrich’s Butts & Guts.”

Women first

Perhaps you see a pattern developing here.

“Jari Love’s Get Ripped  & Chiseled.” “Squeeze with Tracy Effinger.” “Kathy Smith’s Matrix Ultimate Sculpt,” whatever that means.

Workouts are for women.

Guys, we apparently don’t want a body. We think we don’t need a body. I guess we figure women are going to need us as long as our sweatpants are clean. Why work out in them?

OK, men, we’re deluding ourselves. And women, don’t write me, I didn’t make the rules. It just seems to be a fact of life -- if you believe the catalog – that women care more about how they look than men.

But, guys, trust me on this next point. Ignore the fact that Collage Video’s catalog has a Christmas tree on its cover, along with the suggestion that the catalog contains “331 Great Gift Ideas.”

Giving a loved one videos for Christmas that are called “Leslie’s Walk Away Your Waistline” or “Fat Burning Fusion with Ellen Barrett” is not a great idea.

Reach Repository Living Section Editor Gary Brown at (330) 580-8303 or e-mail gary.brown@cantonrep.com