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Redwood Falls Gazette - Redwood Falls - MN
  • JOSHUA'S COLUMN — What kind of monster are you?

  • Here's a personality test for you: if you could be any monster, what kind would you prefer to be?
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  • Right now personality tests are all the rage on Facebook. You can’t open up your Facebook page without being hit with, “What type of tree would YOU be?” or “What Star Trek character would YOU be?” or “What item of dirty laundry on the floor would YOU be?” I’ve never taken any of those tests for two reasons: 1) If someone has gone to all the trouble to create a personality test and blast it out to 50,000,000 strangers, I figure there’s probably a identity-stealing virus attached to it, and... 2) I honestly couldn’t care less what gumdrop flavor, Buffy, the Vampire Slayer character, or hat style I’d be. Me being me though, with my lifelong love of classic monster movies, it did occur to me to wonder what sort of monster I’d be. Here, as a public service, I’m presenting you with a short list of monsters for you to choose from — and there’s not even an identity-stealing virus attached. WHAT KIND OF MONSTER WOULD YOU BE? • Frankenstein’s Monster: This one is made of up of pieces of old dead bodies stitched together and brought back to life. But why is this “scary”? All of us are made of dead bodies that have decomposed, gone back to their elemental particles, and been reconstituted into new living bodies. It’s just the cycle of life. • Vampire: These are the preferred monster of the fashion set, for those who read G.Q. and Vogue and fantasize about being the people in the ads. But vampires are the sociopaths of monsters. They go around in their self-absorbed, narcissistic way, feeding off others and moving on once they’ve gotten what they need from you. • King Kong or Godzilla: These guys represent forces of nature big enough to destroy entire cities, and not care one whit about the people there. Everyone has a side of his or her personality that wants to just say, “Meh!” and run around trashing everything just to do it. • Ghost: Ghosts represent the possibility of life after death, and the hopes and fears resulting from it. Ghost stories often revolve around themes of retribution, regret, or second chances. Choose very carefully if you want to be a ghost, because your motive will play an important part. • Zombie: (Note: it is possible to be a ghost and a zombie at the same time. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.) Zombies are a type of monster very fashionable in our culture right now. However, you’ll notice it’s not zombies themselves people fantasize about becoming; it’s about being one of the very few brave, clever people who survive the zombie apocalypse. Zombies represent the nameless, faceless horde you like to imagine yourself being the exception to. • Mummy: One of the problems of becoming a mummy is you would have had to choose it 4,000 years ago. It’s not a spur-of-the-moment kind of decision. Most mummy stories involve a dead guy coming back to find his reincarnated lost love from ancient Egypt. There is a romantic, “love conquers all” side to many mummy stories — the trade-off being you’re still dead. • Werewolf: Werewolves stand for the two sides of your personality — the side you show the public, and the side you keep hidden. In the full moon of your life, what would come out that you don’t want everyone to see? And why is the thought of that being revealed frightening to you?

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