...including such nuggets of wisdom as, "When pulled over for speeding, never laugh at the cop and say, 'Hey, pull my finger!'"

It is time once again for my yearly column of advice to the graduating high school seniors. I don’t care. Read it anyway. Ahem. Class of 2014, here is a list of inspirational thoughts and practical suggestions that will make your journey to the horizon of your lives better for all: • When pulled over for speeding, never laugh at the cop and say, “Hey, pull my finger!” • Don’t, under any circumstances, attempt skate boarding on cooling lava. That crust may look thick enough to support your weight, but don’t take chances! • Be sure to eat lots of roughage if you want to stay regular. Eating your old high school textbooks will keep you clean as a whistle until approximately October, 2038. • There’s nothing unmanly about crying, unless you do it in public, in Times Square, while wearing a little red cowboy hat and plastic chaps, and handing passers-by Kleenexes and asking them to blow your nose. • When you’re interviewing for a job, don’t say to your prospective supervisor, “You ain’t so big.” • Camping is a fun activity for the whole family — preferably, someone else’s. • Learning simple car repairs can come in handy at the most unexpected of times, such as while clinging to the side of a granite cliff. • If you find your lifetime partner in a “love at first sight” burst of divine intervention, be sure to keep a paper bag handy to breathe into. • All of cooking consists of two steps: 1) mixing stuff together, and 2) heating it up or cooling it down somehow. Everything else is details. • Keep track of your heart rate while exercising. If you don’t feel your pulse, lie down. • When meeting a very tall person for the first time, don’t try to pull him/her over while shaking hands. • Choosing whether to participate in daylight savings time is not optional, especially if you become an airline pilot. • Finding a good daycare provider is vitally important for your future career success, especially if you become a daycare provider yourself and need someplace to dump your own kids off for the day. • Bears have good attorneys, and will not hesitate to sue if you disturb them at Yellowstone Park. • Studies show that keeping an active brain now, while young, can prevent or delay dementia in later life. We suggest keeping it in an aquarium on your desk, hooked up to hoses to ensure it stays properly oxygenated. • Constantly looking over other peoples’ shoulders and saying, “What’cha doing, huh?” is not, technically speaking, a “hobby”. • It is important that people of all races and nationalities learn to live in peace and mutual respect. However, Cylons are not human and may be killed at will. • An apple a day will keep the doctor away, especially if you keep apples in the freezer and throw them with great force. • If your cell phone goes off during a quiet public event such as a baptism or memorial service, hit the person next to you and say, “Turn off your phone!” • Congratulations for making it to your graduation!