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Redwood Falls Gazette
  • Stories I’d like to write, Pt. 2

  • To save money, the school board has proposed that all verbs be eliminated from next year’s textbooks....
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  • A while back I mentioned that every now and then I think up a good opening line for a Gazette story I’d like to write someday.
    Then reality doesn’t cooperate, and I never get to write the rest of the story.
    Here are some more great opening lines I’ve never been able to use:
    • You’ll never guess what Karl got his tongue caught in this time!
    • To save money, the school board has proposed that all verbs be eliminated from next year’s textbooks.
    • When Bob vowed to punch the prizefighter in the face, he didn’t know it was Opposite Day.
    • In our culture coffee is a beverage, but to Pacific Islanders it is often used as a musical instrument.
    • “Why, the nerve!” said neurologist Dr. Dave Benson.
    • As the waves lapped at his ankles, Al realized that perhaps filling the inflatable life rafts with Cheez Whiz “in case I get hungry” wasn’t such a good idea.
    • Reuniting the Swedish pop group ABBA became impossible once the singers changed their names to Paavo, Olaf, Olga, and Pietr.
    • “How can I crack these walnuts?” Miranda said, idly tossing her flip phone back and forth.
    • Correction: at their concert on Tuesday evening, the Reede Gray Elementary School third grade band played “Old McDonald Had a Farm”, not Rachmaninoff’s Symphony No. 2 in C minor, Op. 18.
    • Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to Because of a time warp created by Dr. Krakatoa’s time machine, it is now possible to....
    • A recent study showed that up to 50 percent of schnauzers who live at 610 E. 2nd Street don’t bark in the middle of the night, and let their owners get a good night’s sleep.
    • All it took was one minor elective surgery, and life was suddenly rosy again for Lisa and Betty Grabowski.
    • “Seafood...again?” snapped Aquaman, pushing away his plate.
    • And yet, for all Merle’s griping, the planet Jupiter stubbornly continued on its way.
    • You wouldn’t think losing his blankie when he was four years old would inspire Thom to create the greatest textile manufacturing factory in America, but stranger things have happened.
    Page 2 of 2 - • The odd thing was, reversing the polarity of the neutron flow actually did improve the flavor of Irene’s bowl of Wheaties.
    • “That’s really weird,” said Xjtgoureifritz J. Nmwtrirek.
    • Cub Scout meetings got a lot more interesting last week when the rules were changed to allow 80-horsepower gasoline engines to be added to this year’s Pinewood Derby cars.
    • While acknowledging the genuine economic benefits to the town, community leaders expressed skepticism over the long-awaited motion picture Plan 10 From Outer Space being photographed in Redwood Falls.
    • “All I did was tase him — it’s not like I hugged him or anything,” Clement told the judge.
    • The Redwood Falls Community Education department announced this week it would soon be accepting applications for its Gulf of Mexico scuba diving class. Transportaion not included.
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