Redwood Falls Gazette
  • JOSHUA'S COLUMN — Insect parts and fake gun sounds

  • When I was about eight years old I made a horrifying discovery: there are no such thing as pure foods.
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  • When I was about eight years old I made a horrifying discovery: there are no such thing as pure foods.
    I was at the San Bernardino library, reading through one of those books of miscellaneous trivia that were so popular back then, and stumbled across the fact the U.S. Department of Agriculture has actual standards for how many insect parts are allowed in a typical candy bar.
    The example that made the hugest impression on me was that Three Musketeers bars — my favorites at the time, mind you — were only allowed three insect parts per bar.
    Three insect parts per bar....
    Three insect parts per bar....
    Three insect parts per bar....
    Imagine yourself an eight year old with finicky food issues to begin with, reading that and having it echo throughout your brain.
    I don’t think I ate another Three Musketeers bar for 20 years. In fact, I was down on all candy bars for a long time.
    (Side note: have you ever wondered whose job it is to count things like that? How would you like to be the USDA guy in a white lab jacket sitting on a stool looking through a microscope at a Three Musketeers bar and saying, “Okay, now is that a grasshopper’s foot, or isn’t it?”)
    Now that I’m much more mature about this sort of thing, I think of the occasional ant antenna or grasshopper foot in a candy bar and think, “Meh, 99 percent protein. Party!”
    There isn’t a whole lot of purity in anything in real life. Why should candy bars be different?
    . . . . .
    Since when did “Pew, pew!” become the official new sound effect for fake laser guns?
    I first learned about “pew, pew” a couple years ago, when I heard high school students in the theater operating the spotlight and saying, “Pew, pew!” as they laser beamed their fearsome opponents on the stage.
    Everyone knows the true sound effect for fake laser guns is “Zzzzzt! Zzzzzzt!”
    At least, that’s the sound we made when I was playing Star Wars with flashlights as a teenager.
    The best fake gun sound effect I ever heard was when my family visited some of my mom’s friends in Hawaii.
    There was a little boy there, maybe six years old, running around with a fake six-shooter and shouting, “Doots! Doots!” to show his disfavor with the visitors spending time with his mom.
    More accurate verbal sound effects for guns can’t be written as English-language words. They’re more “pssq, pstttqk!”
    Page 2 of 2 - I’m guessing verbal fake gun sound effects probably sound better in German than in French. German ones would have tons of consonants, while French sound effects would sound like a cat going to sleep.
    Speaking of other sound effects people try to fake with their vocal cords, where did the official verbal-equivalent of an electic guitar become a high-pitched, “Neeeer, neeeeer, neeeeerrrrr”, usually said while playing an air guitar and standing on your parents’ coffee table when no one else is home.
    Real words are so boring.
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