Get a baker and a mathematician in the same room, then see how long you can confuse them by using the word “pie” (pi) in ambiguous ways....
• Walk around your neighborhood blindfolded, taking photographs of whatever sounds interesting.
• Find out if you can listen to old vinyl records by putting a needle between your teeth and running it along the record’s grooves. Note: we recommend you try this with an old 33 1/3 record, not a 78 rpm one.
• Try to convert telemarketers to your religion. If they hang up on you, do a star/69 and call them back.
• Marry a plastic mannikin made up to look like your favorite celebrity. No, really — actually marry it.
• Donate blood to someone who doesn’t want it.
• Try to figure out how the Smurfs fit into The Lord of the Rings.
• Dance across a cow pasture in the middle of the night.
• Vote again in the presidential election of 1948. It’s never too late for Thomas Dewey to win.
• Make microwave s’mores with fiberglass insulation instead of marshmallows.
• Train your dog to play Scrabble. Chide him/her for using up all the r’s and g’s.
• Throw a dart at a map, then go to the nearest town to where the dart lands. Once there, throw another dart at a map, and repeat endlessly.
• Make counterfeit money in the style of various French impressionists.
• Delete everything on your computer’s hard drive, then stand there and mock it mercilessly, saying, “Oh, so you’re not so smart now, are you?”
• Beep the nose of everyone in town (except me).
• Investigate the genetic basis behind the hereditary transmission of the werewolf curse.
• Fill your living room with sand, then re-enact the capture of Azaba scene from the movie Lawrence of Arabia.
• Get a baker and a mathematician in the same room, then see how long you can confuse them by using the word “pie” (pi) in ambiguous ways.
• Read the Redwood Gazette again. You can’t read it too many times!
• Pluck out every hair on your head, then tape it to a 3.5 card and file it away for later reference.
• Try paying your taxes five years in advance. Enjoy watching the I.R.S. refuse to accept your money.
• Write a new Beatles song.
• Go bowling with bottles of nitroglycerin instead of pins.
• Make a model diorama of Redwood Falls using hamburger and taco mix as a base.
• Try to weld steel girders together with your heat vision. Contact the Redwood Gazette immediately if you succeed.
• Count how many strands of spaghetti there are in a two-pound box. Count how many strands there are in 100 boxes, and find the average.
• Eat a piece of cheese.
. . . . .
Last week someone sent a text message to my cell phone. The message didn’t reach my phone until the next day.
I just wasn’t meant for these times. Even my text messages are sent via Pony Express.