Since that movie came out, people have been talking about their bucket lists; i.e. their list of things they want to do before they kick the bucket.
Well, I’ve been drawing up an anti-bucket list — things I don’t want to do before I die:
1) Kiss a tarantula
The same principle applies in theory to great white sharks, lamprey eels, and those foot long centipedes they grow in South America.
2) Catch someone else’s vomit in my hands
Jackie Lueck told me once the sign you’ve truly become a parent is the first time you catch your beloved child’s vomit in your bare hands.
I’ve skirted the issue a couple times, managing to clean up someone else’s vomit without heaving myself. But catching it in my bare hands? I’m still innocent of that delight.
3) Scuba dive
I can understand why some people think scuba diving is liberating. I’ve heard it described as the closest thing you can get to a feeling of flying.
But if I put on an aqualung and flippers and mask and went diving in the clear Bahama seas, surrounded by a wonderland of colorful fronds and playful fish, my thoughts would be more like:
“Aaaaaa! I’m encased in water! I can feel it pressing on me all over! And this stale canned air! It’s all I can breathe! This mask — take it off, take it off!”
Claustrophobic people weren’t meant to scuba dive.
4) Eat something’s brains
About a dozen years ago, Shorty Young told me the weirdest thing he’d ever eaten was calf brains fried in butter.
It seems some friends invited him over for dinner one day, loaded up his plate, then told him afterward what he had eaten.
I’ve never forgotten that.
5) Trust Shorty Young’s friends
6) Learn to play the tuba
I have nothing against tubas, understand. I think they’re kind of cool, and was once amazed to hear someone in real life play “Flight of the Bumblebee” on one.
But I only have a limited amount of time on this Earth, and don’t feel any need whatsoever to spend thousands of hours mastering the tuba.
7) Spray paint obscenities on the water tower
It would have been fine with the old-style water tower that had a ladder on the side.
But have you ever tried climbing one of those “golf ball on a tee” water towers in the middle of the night, with the wire handle of a one-gallon paint can clutched between your teeth? It’s way too much work.
Page 2 of 2 - 8) Win 10 million after-tax dollars in the lottery
I include this one just in case God ever decides to show who’s boss, go the whole Job on me, and have everything else on my list happen.
I figure if I’m going to be kissing lamprey eels and playing the tuba, I may as well get something out of it for my trouble.