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Redwood Falls Gazette - Redwood Falls - MN
  • Life considered as a horse race

  • On Thursday evening I went to Canterbury Park to watch horse racing for the second time in my life. With my vast experience of horse racing, I thought I’d now educate loyal Gazette readers on how it works....


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  •   On Thursday evening I went to Canterbury Park to watch horse racing for the second time in my life. With my vast experience of horse racing, I thought I’d now educate loyal Gazette readers on how it works. It’s very simple. The horses run in a big oval, and everyone yells at them, loses money betting on them, then goes back inside for pizza and burritos. I actually gambled on a race on Thursday. For the third race I told the nice man behind the counter, “Two dollars to place on the fifth,” and promptly became two dollars poorer. I decided I wouldn’t gamble after that. Nevertheless, after looking the horses over beforehand, I went ahead and chose horse number six (“Guns Donovan”) as the winner. I even have several witnesses who can testify I predicted horse number six would win despite having odds of 17-1. Naturally, Guns Donovan came roaring up from behind in the last few seconds to come in first by a length. While I was gloating, it was explained to me that if I had handed the nice man behind the counter two dollars and said the words, “Two dollars to win on the sixth” I would have won 34 dollars, i.e. 32 dollars clear profit. I was very upset about that. Someone should have told me the correct words to say before the race rather than after, when it could have done me some good. The best part about horse racing, of course, is the horses’ names.  According the program, some of the horses in Thursday’s races were named (I’m not making any of these up): “GG’s Silent Siege”, “Indy N Mission”, “Mocha Polka”, “The Boot”, “Bleu Moon Magic”, “Caring Karen”, and “Guns Donovan”. Now me, if I owned a stable of racing horses, I’d give them names like, “That Horse There”, “The First Horse”, “Pbbbbbbt”, “The Horse With the Ugly Jocky”,  “The Pretty Horsie”, and “Steve”. Imagine the race. The horses burst out of the gate, and the announcer screams, “And in front, it’s The Pretty Horsie, followed by that Horse There, with by The First Horse neck-and-neck with Steve. Pbbbbbbt is coming up fast, while The Horse With the Ugly Jocky comes up from behind!” If I owned a brown horse, I’d name it “That Gray Horse” to really confuse anyone. I’d also name a horse “Number Five” under the theory that it would almost never actually be given that number, and would have a number six or four or something plastered to its side. . . . . . Typo alert: In the Aug. 9 Gazette, we ran a photo of the Redwood Falls High School Class of 1974, showing a group shot of everyone at their reunion at the American Legion. My mistake: it was (and is) actually the Class of 1972. I typed in the wrong number. I apologize to the Redwood Falls High School Class of 1972, and ask all our readers to add another two years to the age of everyone in that photo.
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