Redwood Falls Gazette
  • Heroes who could beat Superman

  • And kryptonite isn’t even involved....

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  • And kryptonite isn’t even involved....
    • Mr. Leverage
    Some immortal ancient Greek dead guy once said, “Give me a lever long enough, and I can move the world.”
    Truer words were never said, even though he said them in a foreign language instead of in English, like he should have.
    Imagine the scene – Superman flies up to the asteroid belt and comes back to Earth carrying an 800 million ton space rock. He plops it down in North Dakota, and stands around looking pretty pleased with himself.
    Then Mr. Leverage strides onto the scene, carrying a 12-foot wooden rod and a cinder block spray-painted gold so it’s really impressive looking.
    “Allow me,” Mr. Leverage says, pushing his way past Superman. Mr. Leverage looks like some middle-aged guy you’d see in the hardware section of a department store, someone you wouldn’t look at twice except for his green costume that doesn’t quite conceal his beer gut.
    The Man of Steel looks on puzzled as Mr. Leverage strolls around the asteroid, stroking his beard and mumbling, “Hmmmm. Ah...yes. I think this should do.”
    Mr. Leverage places the cinder block on the dirt just exactly so, then so very carefully tilts the wooden rod over it, so that the tip of the short end is just under the precise right spot.
    Then Mr. Leverage grabs the long end of the wooden rod, says, “Alley oop!” and heaves down on the rod for all he’s worth.
    Zip-winnnng! The 800 million ton asteroid soars back up into space, back to the very spot Superman originally found it.
    Don’t mess with Mr. Leverage.
    He knows exactly where to stand, and exactly where to put his stick to move the world.
    • Three-Prong Adapter Man
    A woman stands in her kitchen, screaming, “Help! Help!?Oh, won’t someone help me in my hour of need?”
    Superman, flying by, rushes to her aid. He lands on the porch and saunters into the kitchen.
    “How may I help you, fair lady?” Superman asks.
    The woman points to a shiny new toaster on her countertop, and holds up the wilted end of the power cord.
    “My new toaster’s plug-in has three prongs, but my wall outlet only has holes for two. How shall I ever plug my toaster in and taste fresh toast again?” the woman wails.
    Superman takes the power cord and looks at the plug-in, befuddled. “Um... Maybe if I force it,” he mumbles.
    Just as he’s about to try shoving the three-pronged plug into the two-pronged outlet with hurricane force, a voice rings out from the dining room door.
    “Stop! Put down that plug-in!” a baritone voice commands.
    “Three-Prong Adapter Man!” says the lady.
    The new hero bounds into the room, snatches the plug-in out of Superman’s hand, fits a little three-prong adapter onto it and hands it to the lady.
    “My hero!” she says, plugging it into the wall and reaching for the loaf of bread.
    “I want new writers,” mutters Superman.
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