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Redwood Falls Gazette - Redwood Falls - MN
  • Not so deep thoughts

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    You know what I want for Christmas? A power-loader, like in the movie Aliens, only an actual, operational one.


    The first thing I’d do is track down that little boy who bullied me in fifth grade.


    Me: “Think you’re so tough now, eh?”

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  •   Happy April Fools Day! Have you played any tricks on anyone today? Gotcha! It’s April 2!  Be honest. How many of you thought, “But...but I thought April Fools Day was yesterday...”? . . . . . Middle of the American Continent, 1,006 A.D.: A tribe of Norse warriors, exploring what will be known to later generations as the Great Lakes, leave their longboats on the rocky shore and explore the countryside of the new continent they’ve discovered. As they stride over the plains, the blond, blue-eyed explorers find a pair of identical Native American warriors watching them from a ravine. “Who are you, and why do you so resemble each other?” the Viking leader said. “We are twins,” explained one of the natives. “Vikings and twins, meeting on this spot,” mused the Norse leader.  “It’s as if God himself aimed the arrow of destiny at this location to mark this momentous occasion,” said a Christian monk exploring with the Norsemen. The Viking leader raised his arms to the heavens. “Henceforth, this land upon which we stand shall be known as ‘Target Center’.” “Look, a timberwolf!” cried a Viking. “And over there! A red bird, a rodent, and a large cat!” said another Norse warrior. “Ah, a cardinal, a gopher, and a lynx,” said one of the Native American men. The monk raised his hand to bless the new animal they’ve discovered. “I, a St. Paul saint, bless you, the wild,” said the holy man, making the sign of the cross. “Why, that’s very sporting of you,” said the Native American leader. . . . . . I like percentages as much as the next person, but when they get down to “four hundred and twenty-seven nine hundred and eighty-thirds” I think its time to get a life. . . . . . I think they’re called “cell phones” because after a few years of use, think of all your DNA they must have on them. . . . . . I wonder if chimpanzees ever look at the Statue of Liberty and think, “Blow it up! Blow it up!” (Note: if you haven’t seen “Planet of the Apes”, that joke won’t make any sense to you.) . . . . . Several weeks ago I wrote I had started reading Pride and Prejudice. An update: I can’t say Pride and Prejudice is the most boring book ever written, because I haven’t read every book ever written.  But hey, I'm a fan of Nathaniel Hawthorne, so who am I to speak? . . . . . While looking over a website for buying exotic foods, I stumbled across vegetarian hash. Vegetarian hash? Is such a thing possible? I thought they already had a word for vegetarian hash: “SALAD”. . . . . . You know what I want for Christmas? A power-loader, like in the movie Aliens, only an actual, operational one. The first thing I’d do is track down that little boy who bullied me in fifth grade. Me: “Think you’re so tough now, eh?” . . . . . If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, why did they make it so ding-danged early?
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