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Redwood Falls Gazette - Redwood Falls - MN
  • Glitter happens, fishbreath

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    Years ago, when I was about to become the stepdad of three girls, I was talking with a local businessman and noticed sparkles on his blazer.


    “You’re about to start raising three girls, right?” he said.


    “Er...yes,” I said.


    “Well, let me tell you something: glitter happens.”

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  •   Years ago, when I was about to become the stepdad of three girls, I was talking with a local businessman and noticed sparkles on his blazer. “You’re about to start raising three girls, right?” he said. “Er...yes,” I said. “Well, let me tell you something: glitter happens.” It seems he had been driving his daughter around town, and she had been sitting in the passenger seat playing with a tube of glitter. Somehow or other, the tube basically exploded in the girl’s hands, spraying clouds of glitter all over the interior of the car. “I’m going to be vacuuming glitter out of my car for years,” he said. Car, nothing. I’m sure he’s still coughing it up out of his lungs. To this day, when I’m in danger of being washed away in a wave of estrogen, I’ll tell myself “Glitter happens,” and ride the wave. I got my first clue about raising girls a few years before that. It was a Sunday morning, back when Monday Gazettes were still finished on Sunday mornings, and editor Daryl came in to the office to finish writing stories and designing pages. Now Daryl liked to make a big show of being a former Army dude manly man, so I couldn’t help being struck by the My Little Pony sticker stuck to the front of his sweatshirt. I cleared my throat and pointed at the sticker. He glanced down at it, said, “You’ll understand when you raise girls,” and went on designing pages. Okay, I get it now, I get it. . . . Life in the 21st century: Some Guy: “People in the past were stupid. They used to take teaspoons of cod liver oil every day because they thought it would make them smarter. “Oops, that reminds me. I’d better take my Omega III caplets. Studies show that daily doses of Omega III’s can enhance cognitive development.” (He takes an Omega III caplet, burps, and has fish oil breath.) . . . I have to admit I have a soft spot in my heart for old country and western songs that included yodeling. Nothing says “cowboy on the plains” more than a good burst of Alpine-style yodeling. There needs to be more yodeling in pop music today. Think of the effect it could have on techno, rap, and alternative music if the singers yodeled. American demands Maroon 5, Rihanna, and Lady Gaga yodel on their next songs! (Adele could do it.) . . . Generally, when dogs look you right in the eyes, it’s fair to say to yourself, “Okay, I’m about to get bitten.” In our house, when dogs look you right in the eyes, they’re using dog telepathy to send you a message: “You will drop the hamburger, you will drop the hamburger....”  
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